Geoffrey had learned that it did no good to ask questions of his master. The only response he had received was silence or a cuff to the ear. He was a stable boy, he was told, and as such had no business asking questions. His job was the animals and, if addressed by a nobleman, to look at the ground, tug at his forelock and comply with whatever was demanded as quickly as possible. Nevertheless, he was alert to what went on around him and he listened intently to the conversations of others. He was aware that the country was in political turmoil, and that it seemed to always have been so.
Richard, Coeur de Leon, had recently become king. He and his brothers had had a contentious relationship with their father. Ever since they were old enough to hatch a plot they had schemed against their father, Henry II, sometimes in concert, sometimes alone. In the end, they turned on each other. Things settled down somewhat when Henry, the heir, died, and three years later his brother Geoffrey passed away leaving only Richard and John. Richard was older than John, so he was the logical successor. And, unlike his brother, he was greatly admired for his military prowess. Although he spoke little English and was an ignorant man, at least in comparison with his father who was fluent in half a dozen languages, and was accomplished in the law, he was an able soldier and a popular leader in the wars to reclaim the Holy Land from the Muslims.
Richard's father, Henry II, was the son of Matilda, whose father in turn was Henry I, son of William the Conqueror. She was prevented from taking the throne by Stephen, who usurped power. Thus began a long civil war between Matilda and Stephen. Although Matilda finally gave up the fight and retired to France, a few years later her son Henry invaded England and won the right to succeed Stephen. Two years later he became Henry II. Thus there had been armed conflict going on somewhere in the kingdom for generations.
The sun had only moved a few degrees across the sky when Geoffrey returned. As he passed through the portcullis he noticed that while he was absent a sign had been nailed to a timber where it could be read by all who left the castle. It was written in English and French. As his master approached, Geoffrey read it out loud. It was a warning to avoid the forest unless one went with an armed escort. Bands of thieves had made the passage dangerous. Upon hearing him read the notice, his master exclaimed, "Where did you learn to read? Common folk can't read! Only the high-born learn to do so!" He shook his head and when he received no answer scolded the younger man for his absence. With a kick for emphasis, he demanded, "Get back to the stable! The stalls need mucking out!"
[Lord Dogg, Earl of the Western Marches]
______________________________
As Geoffrey headed back to the stables as commanded, behind him he heard a curse, a splash and then more cursing. He glanced back over his shoulder and saw that his master had fallen into a puddle and was now sitting in it like a pig covered in muck although not smiling as a pig might. Geoffrey couldn't help but allow himself a private smile as he scurried back to the stable.
As he picked up the pitchfork to clean out the stables, Geoffrey found himself wondering how it was that he could read if reading was something taught only to those who were high-born. Who taught him to read? He shook his head. It was so strange that he couldn't recall any details of his early life before enslavement to this unkind master. Based on the way his master reacted, clearly he should keep this ability to himself. Who knows, it might come in handy. No sooner than this thought crossed Geoffrey's mind did the trumpets herald the arrival of the king. Apparently Richard, the absent king, had returned home to England. Everyone in the stable ran outside and bowed before the king. Geoffrey listened closely as Richard spoke in French to one of his officials.
[Princess Wannabe]
________________________
As he picked up the pitchfork to clean out the stables, Geoffrey found himself wondering how it was that he could read if reading was something taught only to those who were high-born. Who taught him to read? He shook his head. It was so strange that he couldn't recall any details of his early life before enslavement to this unkind master. Based on the way his master reacted, clearly he should keep this ability to himself. Who knows, it might come in handy. No sooner than this thought crossed Geoffrey's mind did the trumpets herald the arrival of the king. Apparently Richard, the absent king, had returned home to England. Everyone in the stable ran outside and bowed before the king. Geoffrey listened closely as Richard spoke in French to one of his officials.
[Princess Wannabe]
________________________
"Help me down from this horse," King Richard said to his right-hand man, Sir Mordred. "I feel as if I've ridden all the way from the Holy Land." Sir Mordred extended his hand to the king, who swung his leg over the back of his saddle in preparation for dismounting. Somehow, the king lost his balance and - despite the best efforts of Sir Mordred - toppled off his mount. His full weight, augmented by his heavy tunic of chain mail, landed on Sir Mordred who fell to the ground. Fortunately, the king somehow managed to remain upright and ended his misadventure standing on the castle courtyard astride his would-be helper.
At that moment, the lord of the castle - Lord Thomas - strode out of the castle in response to news of the king's arrival. As he did so, he saw King Richard atop Sir Mordred and blurted out, "My liege! What brings you to my humble castle on a knight like this?"
Geoffrey thought he saw something pass behind the king's eyes as Richard's right hand suddenly reached for the hilt of his sword. Then the moment passed and he smiled.
"Lord Thomas! I see that your sense of humor continues unabated. I must impose upon your hospitality until tomorrow, when I continue my journey to London. I've returned to England because of the mischief my brother John has been up to. It seems that he fancys himself monarch and would take my crown in my absence. My fight against the Saracens is costly enough, as is the administration of my French possessions. It is an inordinate aggravation to have to cross that turbulent Channel to deal with a gang of miscreants on this restless island, thereby wasting resources that could be better spent elsewhere."
[Hondo the Minstrel Dog]
_______________________
As the king started to move toward the door of the great hall, he glanced toward his left. His gaze swept across the various and sundry onlookers. As he did so, most of the peasants, serfs and craftsmen who worked at the castle jerked their hats from their heads and looked down. Geoffrey, however, was slow to do so and as Richard's eyes moved across the crowd they stopped reflexively when they noted the upturned face. The king focused his gaze, then appeared startled. There was a flash of what could have been recognition but there was no further reaction on the part of the king. It happened so quickly no one noticed, save Geoffrey. With scarcely a pause, Richard turned away, waived his retinue forward, and strode toward the door.
Inside the great hall Lord Thomas' staff was feverishly at work preparing for a feast. No-one had been expecting a royal visitor but it wasn't the first time the servants had been called upon to accomplish an impromptu miracle. As tables were being prepared, fresh rushes were being strewn across the floor, a fire was being lighted in the immense fireplace and Lord Thomas' new tapestry was being hung, itinerant minstrels tuned their psalteries and began to practice a song that one of them had written for just such an occasion.
"A king's life
Isn't an easy one,
With plots to thwart
And wars to be won!
The Turks are a bitch,
And Brother John is no fun!
A king's life
Isn't an easy one.
Hey nonny nonny tra la la.
Oh, there's no denying
The job has its perks,
But there's no telling
Where the next problem lurks.
'Specially when
You're surrounded by jerks!
(And did we say
What we think of the Turks?)
Hey nonny nonny tra la la.
A king's life
Is no bed of roses!
There's much more danger
Than one supposes!
Keep your enemies close
(Better count noses!)
And woe is you
If your bodyguard dozes!
Hey nonny nonny tra la la.
La Belle France
Is where I rather would be.
And not on this island
Across the sea!
Aggravation's the game,
As you clearly can see.
Oh, a king's life
Is clearly no breeze!
Hey nonny nonny tra la la."
[Hondo the Minstrel Dog, Junior]
_________________________
As the king wandered into the great hall, the aroma of the great feast wafting through the air, he couldn't help but bop his head along to the beat of the music played by the minstrels. Had he known what a cellphone was and had one, certainly this would be his ringtone. Though being king was clearly no breeze it certainly had its perks, the minstrels were right on that note. He ate the best food, had wenches at his disposal and the country bowed in his presence. Of course, he also had to watch his back and truly trusted no one. Being king was a little lonely. But kings didn't dwell on such things. Although he longed for the approval of his father which he never got and his anger smoldered over his father putting his mother, Eleanor, in jail because she supported her sons' revolt against Henry II, he channeled his energies into his military strategies and worked out his issues on the battlefield against his unfortunate enemies.
As Richard took a seat at the head of the table, his mind wandered to the young man he saw outside the stable. Darned if he didn't look familiar. Had Richard spent more time looking in a mirror he might have thought he was looking a young version of himself. His musings about this young man were quickly dismissed when the large turkey leg was set before him. After dinner, he and Sir Mordred would talk strategy for managing John.
[Princess Wannabe]
___________________
As the king wandered into the great hall, the aroma of the great feast wafting through the air, he couldn't help but bop his head along to the beat of the music played by the minstrels. Had he known what a cellphone was and had one, certainly this would be his ringtone. Though being king was clearly no breeze it certainly had its perks, the minstrels were right on that note. He ate the best food, had wenches at his disposal and the country bowed in his presence. Of course, he also had to watch his back and truly trusted no one. Being king was a little lonely. But kings didn't dwell on such things. Although he longed for the approval of his father which he never got and his anger smoldered over his father putting his mother, Eleanor, in jail because she supported her sons' revolt against Henry II, he channeled his energies into his military strategies and worked out his issues on the battlefield against his unfortunate enemies.
As Richard took a seat at the head of the table, his mind wandered to the young man he saw outside the stable. Darned if he didn't look familiar. Had Richard spent more time looking in a mirror he might have thought he was looking a young version of himself. His musings about this young man were quickly dismissed when the large turkey leg was set before him. After dinner, he and Sir Mordred would talk strategy for managing John.
[Princess Wannabe]
___________________
While Richard munched on a leg of turkey and endured the antics of the court jester, his thoughts wandered back to the stable hand he had seen outside. He was sure that he had seen that young man somewhere before but where he did not know.
Unbeknownst to Richard, Geoffrey, the stable boy, was Richard's illegitimate son. Eighteen years ago, when Richard was but a young man, he had fallen for a beautiful, but common, maiden, Catherine. Though she was his true love, Richard knew that his father, King Henry II, would never tolerate a union between his son, the prince, and a lowly maiden. So, when it came to making a choice between true love and his place in history, Richard chose the latter. He left his love never knowing she was carrying his child.
Richard's brother, John, knew of his sibling's secret love, Catherine, and was himself smitten by her. When Richard left, John took advantage of Catherine's sorrow and soon took on the role of lover. Months later it was evident that Catherine was with child, his child, or so John thought. Though John wouldn't claim the child as his own, he made sure that the child, a boy named Geoffrey, would be raised with nobility.
As the years went on and Geoffrey grew older, John had a sneaking suspicion that Geoffrey was not his own child, but that of his brother Richard. He saw the resemblance in Geoffrey's eyes, his chin, his smile. Though John was angry that he had been led to believe that Geoffrey was his child, he had no outlet for that anger. The boy didn't know the identity of his real parents and Catherine had died during childbirth. But John wasn't just angry at the deception, he feared that if Richard learned he had a son John would have no chance at one day becoming king.
At that moment John decided to have Geoffrey killed. He had arranged for one of the local miscreants to do the deed. Little did he know that said miscreant, a unprincipled but weak-stomached lad, managed only to knock Geoffrey unconscious in his effort to take the boy's life with a large stone (rather than the knife he had been given). When Geoffrey came to, he had no idea who or where he was. He wandered aimlessly until he arrived at the castle's stable and encountered the stable master. The stable master, a rough-edged, cold-hearted man, took Geoffrey in, not out of pity but rather need. The upkeep of the stables was a great deal of work and one of his stable boys had just been kicked in the head by a horse and was of no use to him any longer.
(Princess Enilorac)
_________________
Richard was aware that he was feasting on a rare delicacy. The American bird that came to be known as turkey was introduced to Europe by the Spanish conquistadors some three hundred years after Richard's death. It was a favorite food of the Aztecs, among other Mexican tribes, and was hunted by the Indians of North America as well. However, long before Columbus found the Americas and the Spanish followed in search of gold, the Scandinavians had discovered the New World. Although their attempts at a permanent colony failed, the Danes had made a number of excursions to the northeastern shores of North America. One of these intrepid explorers, Thorwald Ironhat, also known to some as Badbreath, was successful in capturing the elusive avian and returning to his homeland with a small number of them for breeding purposes. All died, save one male and one female which King Olaf gave to King Richard as a diplomatic gift when they met at a papal conference in Rome. They remained in the possession of the English court until Richard returned to England from his captivity in Germany following his last Crusade. Here at the castle of Lord Thomas, thanks to the shortsightedness of the staff, the turkeys were served to the king for dinner. Thus, Europe would have to wait many more generations before the Spanish brought the succulent bird to the continent.
The activities in the castle were far from Geoffrey's mind. Not long after it had become dark he had gone to the empty stall he occupied at the forbearance of the stable master, covered himself with his ragged cloak, and gone to sleep. Much later, he awoke. There were no longer any sounds from the great hall. The only thing he could hear was the occasional snort of a horse or the rustle of the hay under their hooves as they shifted their weight. What had wakened him? He remained still and listened. Then he heard it. The sound of a footfall. Who could be about in the stable in the middle of the night? A dark figure appeared in the door to the stall. "Who's there? What do you want?" Geoffrey asked. Suddenly the figure entered the stall and sprang to Geoffrey's side, at the same time clamping a rough hand over his mouth.
"Be quiet," the stranger growled into Geoffrey's ear. "You must be silent so that no one will hear us." Geoffrey tried to pull away. "Enough!" the man said. "Be quiet! I've come from the king. He has commanded that I bring you to him."
Geoffrey's mind raced. He tried to ask what was happening, why the king wanted to see him. Had he done something to offend the monarch? No, if he had he would be disciplined by the stable master or one of the king's retinue, not the king himself. Still, the king's command worried him. Why was he singled out? Was his life in jeopardy? But the stranger refused to communicate. He either didn't know or didn't care and in any event he insisted on silence.
The journey from the stable took a considerable amount of time as Geoffrey's escort demanded stealth. Finally, however, they stood before the door to the king's chamber. A faint light escaped under the door. The messenger knocked and in response to a low voice opened the portal and propelled Geoffrey into the chamber, banging the door closed behind him.
[Sir Hound]
_________________
Geoffrey stood inside the door, his knees knocking slightly but confident in his innocence. He bowed humbly before the king.
"Your majesty," he said. "To what I do I owe the honor of being summoned to your presence?"
Richard couldn't take his eyes off the young man. He seemed so familiar. As Richard paced the room, he happened to glance in a mirror and was startled. It was like looking at Geoffrey. But there was something else. What was it? And did no one else see this similarity? How could this be?
"Geoffrey, where do you come from?" Richard inquired.
Geoffrey spoke honestly and earnestly. "Sir, I know nothing of where I come. It seems this place is all that I can remember. It is odd because I can read and I can understand both French and English. But I have no recollection of ever being taught these things."
Richard pondered these details as he looked at Geoffrey again. That familiarity. It wasn't just his own features but also Catherine he saw in Geoffrey's eyes! He started doing the math, a little awkwardly since he was an ignorant man, and concluded that this must be the son that Catherine bore and John claimed as his own. Since family get togethers weren't exactly occasions for merriment, it had been years since Richard had seen the boy. Clearly this wasn't John's son but his! If Geoffrey was his son, his life would be in danger since John was set on becoming king upon Richard's demise. But how did he get away from John and why wasn't John looking for him?
When Richard stopped pacing and musing he turned to Geoffrey but saw that he had fallen asleep. Oh well, he thought. Better get some shut-eye and deal with this tomorrow. He left Geoffrey sleeping on the floor as he crawled into his feather bed and blew out the light.
[Princess Wannabe]
____________________________
Suddenly, the king sprang to his feet. How had Geoffrey fallen asleep? After all, he was dragged from the stable for a meeting with the king in the middle of the night. He must have been confused and frightened, not to mention curious... states of mind that were hardly conducive to falling asleep. Was there something wrong with the young man? Did he have some kind of condition that caused him to fall unconscious at critical moments? How could he do that, in front of his king to whom he owed not only his rapt attention but total subservience and even his life? Besides, their discussion couldn't wait until daylight. He had brought the stable boy to his chambers in the deepest part of the night in order that their meeting be unobserved. "Wait until morning, my royal ass!" Richard roared as he gave the sleeping form a kick. "On your feet, or I'll have your guts for garters!"
Geoffrey leapt up, intimidated by the king's rage and chagrined at having fallen asleep. He mumbled his apology and secretly wished that he were somewhere else. Anywhere else. He stood, frozen in place as the king paced back and forth. After a few moments (that seemed to Geoffrey to be hours) the king stopped pacing and, his anger seemingly abated, turned toward the younger man. As Geoffrey stood silent, hat in hand, Richard explained what he thought to be the stable boy's origins. He didn't know about John's attempt on his life, but he had observed the scar on Geoffrey's scalp and knew that a blow to the head could sometimes cause memory loss. The king correctly guessed that to be the cause of his amnesia.
"It is not just for you to remain in a state of servitude," Richard told Geoffrey. "Therefore I will see to it that you are given your due. The allowance, estate and servants that John had given you will be returned. You will be known as Geoffrey Fitzroy (son of the king), however as you know, as the product of my morganatic liason with your mother, Catherine, you have no claim on the throne. However, even though you cannot be considered a Plantagenet I feel that it is incumbent upon me to see that you are not only treated with respect but also accepted as a member of the nobility."
"Er, uh," Geoffrey stammered. He had a hard time digesting all that the king had said. "Thank you, sir. I don't know how to respond. To discover that I'm more than I have been for the past few years is overwhelming."
"For your sake," the king went on, "I think it best that none of this be made public until I get my hands on... er, I mean until I've met with my brother... and I straighten him out. Once I've done so you will be free of any possible danger and can live openly."
"Shall I return to the stable, then?" asked Geoffrey.
"No," Richard responded. "Until then I have a task for you. Although your memory is impaired I'm sure that the skills you learned when you became a knight will return soon enough, once you've had an opportunity to exercise them. I want you to go on a quest."
"A quest?"
"At my behest. A quest."
"Wow! A quest is the best!"
"Then be my guest."
"You don't jest?"
"Look! Don't be a pest! Just go on the damn quest!"
"Is this a test?"
"Yes. Now, let me tell you the rest." With that, the king paused, strode to the door, and made sure it was securely bolted. He lowered his voice and said, "I want you to find, and bring to me, the Holy Moley."
[Le Chien d'or]
________________
Geoffrey whispered reverently, "The Holy Moly.... what's the Holy Moly?"
Richard led Geoffrey over to the fireplace, sat down and said, "Let me tell you the legend of the Holy Moly."
Geoffrey sat at the foot of the king while the fire danced in the background. He closed his eyes and listened to the king tell the story. Little did Geoffrey know that Richard was telling a story about himself.
“Once there was a prince, heir to be king, who fell in love with a beautiful peasant girl. He was a fierce but a handsome and noble man. She was a delicate beauty. Her hair was rich caramel, her eyes brilliant green and her teeth so pearly white they could light up the dark night. The couple met by chance and fell in love at first sight. The prince knew he could never marry his true love publicly for his father, the king, would force him to renounce the throne. As a symbol, though, to his true love, the prince married her in private. But soon after their wedding, he was forced to leave his beautiful bride with his evil brother, who knew their secret, so the prince could go fight his father’s wars. The prince was unaware that his beautiful bride was with his child.
The evil brother took advantage of the prince's bride in his home and when she gave birth, assumed the child was his. He didn’t realize, until many years later, that the child was really that of his brother’s, the prince who was to be king. When he did discover the truth, he ordered the child to be killed so that the child would not be a threat to his place in line for the throne.
The prince’s beloved died in childbirth and the prince was heartbroken. Fortunately, he had many wars to fight to distract him. Years later the prince, now king, learned from the priest that performed his marriage that his beloved was not a peasant but a princess. She had run away from her harsh father, King Claudius of the small country of Peaz and was hiding in England as a peasant. She didn't tell the prince for she feared his life would be in danger. Her father had threatened to kill anyone that was possible love interest to his daughter. This knowledge saddened the king knowing had they only had a child he would have a rightful heir to the throne.
Unbelievably, the king comes to know that he does have a son! But an illegitimate son, or worse, a son born outside of a royal union, was not eligible for the throne. So, the king has to locate the proof that will reveal that his son is the rightful heir. Two items are required. The Holy is the certificate of marriage blessed by the priest (on this certificate the priest had identified the woman as the princess, not the peasant, should it ever be relevant). The Moly is the magical union of two halves of a pendant shared by the prince and his bride. The union of these two pieces would prove the lineage to the throne because the joining of the pieces could only be performed by one divinely appointed to the throne. There could be no pretenders. One half is a heart-shaped locket, the other a key. The king wears the key around his neck to this day but the heart-shaped locket hasn’t been seen since the death of the princess. The priest has also been missing in action. Without the Holy Moly, the child could not become king.
Geoffrey was enthralled with the legend and had so many questions. Who was the prince who had become king? Who was his true love? And what had become of the child? And how was he going to find this elusive priest and the Holy Moly? But Geoffrey brought himself up sharply and confidently and said to the king:
“It was this very night
I had a fright
But now know I’m a knight
So against monsters I’ll fight
Using my newfound might
I’ll set things right
And focus my sight
To resolve this plight!”
And before Richard could stop him, off Geoffrey went, typical male, not asking directions. Clearly that blow to the head not only robbed him of his memory but also of some of his sensibilities. In his enthusiasm, he headed straight for the forest, forgetting all about the sign that warned him of danger.
[Princess Wannabeme]
____________________
After traveling only a hundred yards or so from the castle Geoffrey stopped suddenly and slapped his forehead. He looked around to confirm that he was alone. "Well, duh," he said to himself. "No horse!" He pivoted on his heels and trudged back to the castle. Clearly, before he could go on a quest he would have to have a horse. And he'd better get a change of clothes, too, he thought to himself. If anyone were to see what appeared to be a serf on a horse they would assume he had stolen it and that might bring the quest to an quick, ignominious, and possibly painful, end. Arms would be good. A shield, a lance, a sword, a dagger and some chain mail. He probably ought to ask someone about a squire, too. Someone to go with him to do the heavy lifting, or whatever it was that squires do.
While he was waiting for his acoutrements to be assembled, Geoffrey thought about the king's story about the Holy Moley. Intrigued as he was by the romantic tale, and the mystery of who the child was who could thwart Prince John's designs on the throne, he felt a slight bit of disappointment. He had thought for a moment that the king was going to send him to seek the other Holy Moley. The large, golden statuette of a mole, crowned with a glittering halo of precious stones that had been stolen from a sacred site in the Holy Land by the Knights Templar and brought to England after the First Crusade. It was said that whoever owned the Holy Moley would be invincible in battle, both foreign and civil. However, the object had been missing for a generation and locating it and possessing it were very much on the minds of the nobility. Prince John, especially, rubbed his hands together and salivated at the thought of having the Holy Moley.
A few hours later, Geoffrey started out again, properly dressed and armed for his quest. He rode a powerful horse and was accompanied by a young man named Thud. Thud wasn't too bright but he could play the psaltery and sing, and he was eager to be part of the adventure. As they approached the forest, it occurred to Geoffrey that perhaps he could kill two birds with one stone. He could find the first Holy Moley for the king and find the second for himself. Thud strummed his instrument and sang, "Moley One and Moley Two, We are coming after you!"
[Moley Three]
_________________
...After all it is our due!
Those who stand in our way
May not live to see the day
We make evil Prince John pay
For all the grief he has brought
Upon the King (or so he thought).
Now onward with our crazy plot!
[Sesquipedaliaphobe]
_____________________
Geoffrey and his companion, Thud, rode into the forest. The road was clearly marked, but as they progressed the forest grew more dense. The canopy of huge trees blocked the sunlight so it appeared that they had entered a twilight realm, and the thick underbrush limited their vision even more. At the time of Richard I, England and Wales were heavily forested. It wasn't until some two hundred and fifty years later that significant deforestation would occur to fill the building needs of the country. The English fleet, especially, would need vast amounts of wood to construct what would become the greatest navy in the world. However, the forest that Geoffrey faced was a vast, thick, dark world that supported deer, wolves, boar and bands of dangerous outlaws.
Along with his horse, arms and his assistant, Geoffrey had been provided with a rudimentary map before he left the castle. It showed little more than the road he was following along with certain landmarks by which to judge the distance he had travelled, but it did also show an inn where travelers could obtain a meal, ale, and relative security from the night that, absent lanterns carried by travelers, was as black as pitch. The forest itself was terra incognita. Fortunately for the new knight errant and his man Thud, they came upon the inn just as the darkness had begun to set in, making further progress impossible.
In the gloom, Geoffrey could barely read the sign above the door. It read, "The Mirthless Serf." He and his entered and spoke to a heavyset man with an angry visage and a milky eye.
"Innkeeper! My man and I need lodging for the night. We will also require a meal and a pint of ale apiece." The innkeeper gave the travelers a baleful look, but he nodded and motioned for them to take a seat at the long table that dominated the center of the room. As their host went about his business, Geoffrey looked around the inn. Seated at the end of the table to his right was a man with a large tankard of ale in front of him. He was clearly a denizen of the forest, dressed in a leather jerkin with dark green leggings and a dark cloak. Clearly, he was no farmer or serf, as he wore a dagger and sword. Across his back he carried a quiver from which a number of crossbow bolts protruded. On the bench beside him lay that weapon itself. Dressed as he was, the stranger made Geoffrey uneasy. He was no soldier nor was he a knight. Why was a lowly commoner armed? He intended to ignore the man, but the stranger fixed them with a level gaze and addressed the two wayfarers.
"Who are you, and to where do you travel? It is not good to journey through the woods without an armed escort. One never knows what ill might befall the unwary pilgrim. I have heard that some unfortunates have entered the forest never to reach their destinations." The armed man continued, "This inn is the last opportunity to reconsider your plans. If you go forward you may join the ranks of those who have disappeared."
[Grandog]
_________________
The errant knight eyed the armed man curiously and said, " Why, I am Geoffrey and this is my man, Thud. We are taking a rest before continuing our quest. Is it a threat you suggest or are you just a pest?"
The stranger's countenance brightened as he said, "A quest? A quest! This is the best! I was depressed but now I request to be your guest. I will protect you on your quest in the for-est."
Geoffrey exclaimed, "I am impressed! Afraid was I that you would molest, I was distressed but I've reassessed, yes be our guest. First we will ingest and rest and then continue on the quest expressed."
The stranger decided that as he would be increasing this questing party by one, this would be a good time to formally introduce himself. "My name is William but my friends call me Willy. I am pleased to make your acquaintances."
Out of words to rhyme with quest, and being men inherently incapable of superficial conversation, they all raised their pints to the quest, they drank, they dined, they rest(ed). When morning dawned, the intrepid trio set off on their expedition.
As they traveled, it occurred to Willy that he had yet to learn the nature of their journey. Just as Willy opened his mouth to speak, the three heard a loud sound off to the west. It sounded as if a giant beast was moving through the forest running over pine needles, snapping twigs and scaring the local fauna. They stopped their horses and tried to get a better bearing on the location of the beast. Suddenly, a giant wild boar broke through the underbrush and ran straight toward them, a hungry look in his eye. Before Thud could register his imminent peril, Geoffrey and Willy had simultaneously drawn their weapons, a sword and a crossbow respectively. When the boar was just inches away from the horses, Willy's arrow struck the boar between the eyes just as Geoffrey sliced off it's head. Thud was still trying to process what had just happened when Geoffrey and Willy looked at each other with surprise and admiration. They turned to each other and gave each other a high five.
Geoffrey said, "We're both speak the King's English well, we are skilled in the art of the fighting and we are extremely good looking. We must be brothers from another mother!"
At that Willy laughed and then said, "So, what is it we are expiscating for?" Geoffrey quickly filled him in on the pursuit of the Holy Moley, or rather the Holy Moleys - the priest, the pendant and the pest.
They resumed their journey but didn't get far when they heard a gruesome sound. They looked at each other quizzically and as they came upon the source of the sound their jaws dropped in amazement. To what to their wondering eyes should appear but several bands of dangerous outlaws practicing while waiting for their auditions for Medieval English Idol, a primitive precursor to American Idol, oddly popular in the 21st century. The cacophony was unbearable. Covering their ears and suppressing horrified giggles, the trio couldn't help but be drawn to the spectacle like moths to a flame. Over the discordant sounds of the Chalumeau and Dulcimer could be heard the wailings of one of the bands of idol wannabes...
We are so bad,
yeah, yeah, yeah
Don't get us mad
yeah, yeah, yeah
Or you'll be sad
yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause we'll kill you!
Yeah
[Lady Bug and Malady]
__________________
The stranger's countenance brightened as he said, "A quest? A quest! This is the best! I was depressed but now I request to be your guest. I will protect you on your quest in the for-est."
Geoffrey exclaimed, "I am impressed! Afraid was I that you would molest, I was distressed but I've reassessed, yes be our guest. First we will ingest and rest and then continue on the quest expressed."
The stranger decided that as he would be increasing this questing party by one, this would be a good time to formally introduce himself. "My name is William but my friends call me Willy. I am pleased to make your acquaintances."
Out of words to rhyme with quest, and being men inherently incapable of superficial conversation, they all raised their pints to the quest, they drank, they dined, they rest(ed). When morning dawned, the intrepid trio set off on their expedition.
As they traveled, it occurred to Willy that he had yet to learn the nature of their journey. Just as Willy opened his mouth to speak, the three heard a loud sound off to the west. It sounded as if a giant beast was moving through the forest running over pine needles, snapping twigs and scaring the local fauna. They stopped their horses and tried to get a better bearing on the location of the beast. Suddenly, a giant wild boar broke through the underbrush and ran straight toward them, a hungry look in his eye. Before Thud could register his imminent peril, Geoffrey and Willy had simultaneously drawn their weapons, a sword and a crossbow respectively. When the boar was just inches away from the horses, Willy's arrow struck the boar between the eyes just as Geoffrey sliced off it's head. Thud was still trying to process what had just happened when Geoffrey and Willy looked at each other with surprise and admiration. They turned to each other and gave each other a high five.
Geoffrey said, "We're both speak the King's English well, we are skilled in the art of the fighting and we are extremely good looking. We must be brothers from another mother!"
At that Willy laughed and then said, "So, what is it we are expiscating for?" Geoffrey quickly filled him in on the pursuit of the Holy Moley, or rather the Holy Moleys - the priest, the pendant and the pest.
They resumed their journey but didn't get far when they heard a gruesome sound. They looked at each other quizzically and as they came upon the source of the sound their jaws dropped in amazement. To what to their wondering eyes should appear but several bands of dangerous outlaws practicing while waiting for their auditions for Medieval English Idol, a primitive precursor to American Idol, oddly popular in the 21st century. The cacophony was unbearable. Covering their ears and suppressing horrified giggles, the trio couldn't help but be drawn to the spectacle like moths to a flame. Over the discordant sounds of the Chalumeau and Dulcimer could be heard the wailings of one of the bands of idol wannabes...
We are so bad,
yeah, yeah, yeah
Don't get us mad
yeah, yeah, yeah
Or you'll be sad
yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause we'll kill you!
Yeah
[Lady Bug and Malady]
__________________
"Boy!" Geoffrey said to no-one in particular. "What started out as a noble quest at the behest of the monarch has already deteriorated into low comedy. What makes those fools think they can sing? And where does that bunch of low born chattel get off leaving their lord and fief-holder's land when they should be scrabbling in the soil to plant their meager crops? What's this country coming to?"
"Tsk, tsk," said William and Thud in unison.
With that, the trio sat down under an enormous oak to rest a moment. "By the way," William remarked to Geoffrey, "a moment ago you commented that we both speak the king's English well. Perhaps we speak English, but doesn't the king speak French? Since the Conquest our rulers have thought of themselves as Frenchmen-in-charge rather than English. N'est pas?"
"Cut me some slack, will ya," answered Geoffrey. "I've got amnesia."
"Yeah," chimed in Thud, who had been listening carefully to the exchange. "Lighten up. Besides, I don't know if I'd admit to expiscating. I had a cousin who did that once and he was excommunicated."
In a effort to lighten up the conversation and in an attempt to overcome his congenital, male inability to make small talk, Geoffrey changed the subject. "We didn't have a chance to talk about you, Willy. Tell us" (he waived his arm to include Thud) "where you're from, what you do to earn a living, why you are so heavily armed and why you were so quick to join our quest."
William paused to consider his reply. Then he responded, "I am from the village of Squatney upon Trickle. I was a crop harvester. I cut crops with a sickle on the banks of the Trickle. But I got in a pickle for being fickle and had to leave. I lived off mushrooms and wild turnips in the forest until I was kidnapped by a band of outlaws. They taught me the skills of the forest dweller and how to use these weapons that I carry. The band that I was with preyed upon hapless travelers who were foolish enough to venture into the deep woods. They were quite ruthless, although they did have a charismatic leader who gave part of his booty to the poor. Of course, he wasn't motivated by altruism but rather was interested in buying the cooperation of local residents and officials. I think the people look upon him as sort of a godfather in green. I managed to escape several years ago. As to why I was willing to join you and Thud, well......"
[Danger Dog]
________________
having spent the past several years offering forest travelers protection from the green godfather and his merry men (in an attempt to make up for grievances suffered by these travelers) I have decided to take a break. I need a vacation. I want adventure and excitement! And what could be better than a quest?"
Anxious to continue this quest, Geoffrey accepted Willy's explanation and said, "Well, then, onward!" As they urged their horses forward, deeper into the forest, doubt niggled at the back of Geoffrey's brain. Why would Willy be allowed to escape from the green godfather and not suffer great consequences? Granted, Willy had been kidnapped and forced into service, but once a mobster always a mobster. Something was amiss. Geoffrey decided that while it was risky to have Willy as part of their group, it was probably riskier not to. He remembered something he heard long ago, "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." That was just what Geoffrey intended to do.
A few hours later, the trio encountered what appeared to be a little gnome-like creature complete with a long gray beard and twinkling eyes. The three stopped their horses, not quite sure what to make of this situation. As Willy reached for his crossbow, preparing to clear the way of this minor disturbance, the gnome spoke:
"Your weapons are no threat to me
Protected by magic I will be
I know the Holy Molies which you seek
You could find them within the week
However,
In order to continue on your quest
You must pass my little test."
The three men looked at one another anxiously. A test? No one said anything about a test on the quest! But before any of them could speak, the gnome continued in an ominous voice:
"Before you answer, consider the cost
Get it wrong and all is lost
For one of you will surely perish
But get it right the answer you'll cherish...
How many knights does it take to change a lightbulb?"
Willy, perplexed, started counting on his fingers. Thud stood there in support, eyes closed, hoping he would go unnoticed. Geoffrey, though, quickly piped up. "None! There is no such thing as a lightbulb!"
The gnome, stunned that his riddle had been solved, began to pout and stamp his feet.
"So, where do we go from here, little man?" Geoffrey asked?
"Over the river and through the..." said the gnome just as he spontaneously combusted.
[LB and PW]
___________________________
having spent the past several years offering forest travelers protection from the green godfather and his merry men (in an attempt to make up for grievances suffered by these travelers) I have decided to take a break. I need a vacation. I want adventure and excitement! And what could be better than a quest?"
Anxious to continue this quest, Geoffrey accepted Willy's explanation and said, "Well, then, onward!" As they urged their horses forward, deeper into the forest, doubt niggled at the back of Geoffrey's brain. Why would Willy be allowed to escape from the green godfather and not suffer great consequences? Granted, Willy had been kidnapped and forced into service, but once a mobster always a mobster. Something was amiss. Geoffrey decided that while it was risky to have Willy as part of their group, it was probably riskier not to. He remembered something he heard long ago, "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." That was just what Geoffrey intended to do.
A few hours later, the trio encountered what appeared to be a little gnome-like creature complete with a long gray beard and twinkling eyes. The three stopped their horses, not quite sure what to make of this situation. As Willy reached for his crossbow, preparing to clear the way of this minor disturbance, the gnome spoke:
"Your weapons are no threat to me
Protected by magic I will be
I know the Holy Molies which you seek
You could find them within the week
However,
In order to continue on your quest
You must pass my little test."
The three men looked at one another anxiously. A test? No one said anything about a test on the quest! But before any of them could speak, the gnome continued in an ominous voice:
"Before you answer, consider the cost
Get it wrong and all is lost
For one of you will surely perish
But get it right the answer you'll cherish...
How many knights does it take to change a lightbulb?"
Willy, perplexed, started counting on his fingers. Thud stood there in support, eyes closed, hoping he would go unnoticed. Geoffrey, though, quickly piped up. "None! There is no such thing as a lightbulb!"
The gnome, stunned that his riddle had been solved, began to pout and stamp his feet.
"So, where do we go from here, little man?" Geoffrey asked?
"Over the river and through the..." said the gnome just as he spontaneously combusted.
[LB and PW]
___________________________
"Well, that little encounter was a non-starter, wasn't it?" commented Geoffrey. "I mean, we fiddled with a riddle in the middle of our journey only to have that fidgety midget become the victim of some auto-immolating pyrotechnic. What did we get out of it? Aggravation. Whatever he was going to tell us is lost, so let's get the show on the road. Boogety, boogety."
The intrepid trio trudged through the woods, camping at night near small streams that provided them and their horses with fresh water, huddled around meager fires that they deliberately kept small to avoid attracting the attention of anyone or anything who might lurk in the darkness. The forest seemed endless. Geoffrey and Thud had begun to doubt that they would ever see the sun again in spite of William's assurances that he was quite at home in the dark woods and would lead them out of the labyrinth. It had been three days since the small group had left the path at the site of their encounter with the gnome but it seemed an eternity. Just when Geoffrey was about to suggest that they go no further and retrace their steps, they saw light ahead. They pressed forward and soon they were out of the trees and in a large meadow. Across the meadow, on top of a low hill, they saw a castle. From the top of the keep flew a banner with a coat of arms none in the group recognized.
"Where are we?" asked Thud, obviously impressed. "Who do you suppose lives there? Clearly it must be a rich and powerful lord, to have such a large and fine castle." Even William shook his head. Although he was a creature of the forest he had never been to this area before. "This is terra incognita to me," he said.
[Monsieur Dog]
__________________
No sooner had William spoken than there was a small percussive sound and a puff of smoke directly in front of the travelers. Thud's horse, startled, shied and the young squire found himself flat on the ground. "I wondered how you came by the name Thud," Geoffrey commented. "Now I know." Turning back to focus on the source of the sound, they discovered that it was caused by the appearance of the gnome they had met on the road in the forest some days before.
"What happened?" Geoffrey exclaimed. "Where did you come from? When we saw you last you imploded! You should be mort, or as the English say, dead."
The gnome looked embarrassed and responded, "Well, I use that means of exit for dramatic effect but sometimes I get my timing wrong. I poofed a little too soon and stepped on my lines. I came back to finish my sentence about 'over the river and through the woods' but I see that you don't need my help. This was the place I was trying to send you, however cryptically."
Geoffrey, William and Thud looked at each other with raised eyebrows. "Poofed?" they asked simultaneously. As they did so, there was another small explosion and a cloud of dust and the gnome disappeared again.
As the trio approached the castle they could detect no sign of life. At most castles settlements grew up in front of the walls, with people coming and going on their way to open air markets and to the stalls where merchants sold their wares. There was also constant traffic into and out of the castle gates. But here there was no sign of life. Except for the banner on the keep there was no indication that the place was inhabited. They became aware of an eerie silence that seemed to envelop the castle and its surroundings. Pausing to consider the situation, the three wayfarers almost decided to retrace their steps and take a route around the area. But before they could reach a consensus Thud spoke.
"Look!" he cried. "Who is it that approaches us? I'll swear that there was no-one there before! The direction from which he approaches tells me that he must have come from the castle, although I saw no-one leave it!" As the figure grew nearer they could see that it was a knight upon a large powerful horse. He was heavily armed and carried a lance under one arm. The long cloak he wore over his chain mail was green, as was the blanket under his saddle. Even the armorial device on his shield was done in green. Geoffrey, William and Thud shrank back. Although William had shown that he knew well how to use the weapons that he carried and Geoffrey had discovered that he himself was an accomplished swordsman, they intuitively knew that even together they would be no match for the mysterious knight who now confronted them.
The stranger surveyed the travelers with a stony gaze and then spoke. To Geoffrey, his voice sounded as he imagined it might if it were an echo from deep inside some ancient tomb. There was the sound of a thump as Thud fell off of his horse again. And even William looked shaken.
[Fiasco (Fiona and Tabasco)]
______________________
Suddenly, something registered deep within Geoffrey's amnestic brain. "Addressing the giant green knight he said, "Say that again!" The knight looked down at him and said rather loudly, "HO! HO! HO!" Geoffrey laughed and said, "Jolly? Is that you?" The green giant stared down at Geoffrey and then his big face split into a wide grin. "Geoff? Is that you? I haven't seen you since the knight academy!" As Thud and William watched in amazement, Jolly, the green giant knight, and Geoffrey, began some kind of complicated ritual greeting that involved hand slapping, fist bumping, butt wiggling, head butting and woohooing. When they had finished, Jolly inquired, "So what brings you to these parts?"
Geoffrey responded quite simply, "A quest!" To which Jolly said, "A quest? That's the best! I've been feeling repressed and thus depressed. My life needs zest! May I join your quest?"
Thud and William stood by looking a little unsure. To ease their anxiety, Geoffrey said to Jolly, "Let me check with the rest." The three travelers huddled and whispered and occasionally popped a head up to peek at Jolly. After a few moments a decision was made. The trio officially declared Jolly a quester and they became a quartet. Introductions were made all around.
Jolly let out a triumphant "Woohoo!" and then, abruptly, said, "Where are my manners? Would you three like to come into the castle and partake of some refreshment? And then you can tell me of what we seek."
(Lady Writer's Block)
___________________________
Soon, the quartet found themselves inside the castle walls. A disquieting silence pervaded the courtyard. There were no servants to take their horses or to show them into the great hall. No sounds could be heard from the stables or the smithy. Geoffrey couldn't even hear a bird chirp, try as he might. The interior of the castle was dim and musty but soon the travelers' eyes became accustomed to the gloom. As they wandered about the room, something caught Geoffrey's attention. Curious, he approached a niche in the stone wall next to the huge fireplace and peered at the object that had attracted his eye. Suddenly, he realized what he was looking at. It was a golden statuette of a garden pest. Yes, he thought. It's a mole. And a golden mole with a halo at that! It was the Holy Moley! He wanted to shout out his discovery to the others.
"Where did you get this?" he asked the green knight.
"I, er, well, I dunno." answered Jolly.
"What do you mean, 'I dunno'?" responded Geoffrey. His green friend looked uncomfortable. But before Jolly could answer, the group heard a deep boom echo throughout the castle. The door to the great room had been slammed shut!
Thud ran to the door and tried to open it, but to no avail. "It's locked!" he cried. "We're trapped!"
Geoffrey and William turned to the large man in green and demanded, in unison, "What's going on? What are you up to? What..." Suddenly, Geoffrey had a flash of insight and held up his hand for silence. Jolly was looking decidedly uncomfortable and had been drawing circles on the floor with his foot while he avoided eye contact. "Wait a minute!" Geoffrey exclaimed. "This isn't your castle at all, is it? IS IT?" Jolly remained silent. "What have you gotten us into?"
Still looking at the floor, the green knight responded, "I don't know whose castle this is. It has always appeared to be empty. I thought that if you believed I live here you'd be impressed."
"How do we get out?" asked Thud, looking decidedly ill at ease. But before anyone could answer with a plan to escape the castle, they heard a voice... a voice that froze them in their tracks.
"This is my castle," it said, "and you have trespassed. What business have you here? I do not welcome uninvited visitors. Speak, and I will decide what to do with you when I have learned who you are and why you are here."
Geoffrey swallowed a couple of times and began to speak. He decided to tell his whole story, beginning with finding himself, a victim of amnesia, in the stable at the castle of Lord Thomas, and ending with finding the Holy Moley only moments earlier. He also introduced his traveling companions, although he could not offer much in the way of biographical information. "And who are you?" he asked the mysterious lord of the castle. He stepped back, not knowing how his captor would react to his temerity. To his surprise, the voice answered in a level tone.
"I am Osric. I was a companion of the powerful and just King Arthur. I was at his side as he tried to return his people to the kind of social stability the Romans had created and administered in Britain for so long a time. When the Romans forces were withdrawn to the continent to address attacks upon the empire from the armies of barbarism, the pax Romanum and law order disappeared with them; I was his right hand as he sought to rebuild our society. I was with him, too, when he defeated the English tribes at Baden, and we were together when he died in battle at Camlan in the year of our Lord 515. The site upon which you now stand was an Arthurian stronghold and has been a fortification of one sort or another for as long as anyone can remember. I caused the castle itself to be built here a century ago. The spirits of many brave and dedicated warriors inhabit this place."
Geoffrey and his companions were stunned. "How is this possible?" blurted Geoffrey. "Arthur died over seven hundred years ago! No-one could possibly... that is, it's impossible that... surely you can't possibly expect us to believe... I mean this is beyond all..." He fell silent as the spectral figure of an ancient knight stepped out of the gloom and into the one feeble ray of light that showed through a narrow window in the wall high above the small group.
[Sir Loin of Pork]
__________________
The ghostly Osric stepped out of the gloom, strode past the quartet and picked up the haloed pest. Pretty cool trick for a spirit. Once again, Osric began to speak.
“I have been waiting for you for I knew you would come. You have found part of what you seek in this statue. I must tell you of the statue's power because you will need it if you are to take to take your rightful place as king.”
The quartet stared at each other. Geoffrey as king? He was just a humble knight with a faulty memory.
Geoffrey blurted out, “Surely you jest! This must be a test. Give it a rest and hand over the pest for we must continue our quest.”
Just then there was a loud thump overhead followed by faint singing, beautiful singing. Geoffrey had never heard such a lovely sound. He felt the pull of his heart toward the voice but his attention was called back into the room by Osric.
“As you know,” Osric continued as if the thump never occurred, “King Arthur was proclaimed the true king because he was able to pull Excalibur from the stone. Similarly, the person that rubs the head of this mole and then glows, a sign of the absorption of all the powers of the kings that have gone before, is the true heir to the throne of England. Be prepared. If you are the true heir, the glow will not come on as a little tingle but with the power of lightning.”
“Cool!” Geoffrey proclaimed as he held his hand out for the mole.
“I have been waiting for you for I knew you would come. You have found part of what you seek in this statue. I must tell you of the statue's power because you will need it if you are to take to take your rightful place as king.”
The quartet stared at each other. Geoffrey as king? He was just a humble knight with a faulty memory.
Geoffrey blurted out, “Surely you jest! This must be a test. Give it a rest and hand over the pest for we must continue our quest.”
Just then there was a loud thump overhead followed by faint singing, beautiful singing. Geoffrey had never heard such a lovely sound. He felt the pull of his heart toward the voice but his attention was called back into the room by Osric.
“As you know,” Osric continued as if the thump never occurred, “King Arthur was proclaimed the true king because he was able to pull Excalibur from the stone. Similarly, the person that rubs the head of this mole and then glows, a sign of the absorption of all the powers of the kings that have gone before, is the true heir to the throne of England. Be prepared. If you are the true heir, the glow will not come on as a little tingle but with the power of lightning.”
“Cool!” Geoffrey proclaimed as he held his hand out for the mole.
[Duchess of Nuttin' Honey]
________________________________________________
Geoffrey withdrew his hand quickly. "Er, what happens if I rub the mole's head and I'm not the heir to the throne?"
"I don't want to give away any secrets, " the spectral knight responded, "but suffice it to say that it isn't good. I certainly wouldn't want to discourage you by being too explicit. Go ahead, give it a try!"
"How 'bout I give it some thought?" Geoffrey asked. "I need to relax, maybe have a tankard or two, put my feet up and sort this out."
"Oh, go ahead," William said, soto voce, from behind Geoffrey. It was the first time he had spoken since the four adventurers had become trapped. "After all, King Richard told you that you're his legitimate son. What harm could it do?"
"I'll tell you what," Geoffrey answered, "You rub the statuette. We know that you're about as far from the throne as a ground squirrel. That way, when you do it, we can find out what the down side is."
William stared and shot back, "Hey! My mamma didn't raise no stupid children! Do I look like I just fell off of the turnip cart?" Meanwhile, Jolly and Thud had both retired to the rear of the room, clearly hoping to avoid whatever might happen.
Geoffrey addressed their ghostly host. "I have an idea. Why don't I just take that Holy Moley back to King Richard, unrubbed."
Before the ancient knight could thunder his refusal to let the object leave his possession, everyone heard another thump overhead. Curiosity overcoming his apprehension, Geoffrey blurted out, "What's that sound? Who's upstairs?"
Osric looked somewhat put out but tolerated the digression, if only for a moment. "What you hear is the lady Fleur. She came to the castle seeking a place to hide from the unwanted attentions of Sir Robert of Rottingham. I have allowed her to stay. She had thought herself to be alone as I haven't revealed my presence to her, but now that you four have barged in here..."
Just then, a radiant young woman entered the room from the dark stairway that descended into the gloom. Geoffrey was stunned. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Tall and graceful, with raven hair and large blue eyes, she stepped forward to examine the small group. Stopping a safe distance away she surveyed the travelers, then addressed them in a well-modulated voice.
[Hondo the Canine Troubadour]
__________________________
"Holy Moley!" she said.
"Holy Moley!" she said.
[Anonymous Pulitzer Laureate]
__________________________
"Who are you? What have I stumbled into? Are you minions of that loathsome Robert of Rottingham? If you are, I will never go with you! Never! Never!"
Osric gave the others a reproving, 'now-look-what-you-have-done' look while Geoffrey stood, struck dumb by Fleur's beauty. Here, indeed, was a damsel in distress, and he found himself unable to utter a coherent word. Finally, Thud piped up and said, "Not to worry, Milady, we don' know no steenkin' Rottingham and we're really pretty nice once you get to know us."
The spell having been broken, Geoffrey regained his voice. He bowed deeply and introduced himself and his companions and explained how they had come to the mysterious castle. He started to introduce Osric as well, but when he turned to do so the ancient knight was no longer there. It occurred to him that mentioning the eerie keeper of the castle might make him sound a bit deranged, so he decided to keep mum. If Fleur already knew about him, well then he didn't need to bring it up. If one of the other members of his group said something, so be it. At least he, Geoffrey, wouldn't come across as some wacko. At that point, however, it dawned upon him that, along with Osric, the Holy Moley had disappeared.
"Well, ca-rap!" Geoffrey exclaimed.
"I beg your pardon?" said Fleur.
Geoffrey blushed and apologized. He explained about his quest and that just when the statuette had been found right there in the castle it had somehow disappeared. "Everybody look around! It has to be here somewhere!"
Half an hour later, after having searched every nook and cranny, every niche and corner of the room the searchers remained sans Moley. Discouraged, Geoffrey threw up his hands in exasperation. Fleur, seeing his discouraged expression and empathizing with his sense of frustration, said, "I have a suggestion!"
"What?" everyone asked in unison.
"Why don't we just continue the quest for the other Holy Moley and stop back by here on the return journey. That will provide us with a much-needed intermission, and maybe by then we will have some new insight on where the object may lie hidden. Meanwhile, we will have accomplished the second half of our search."
"What do you mean, 'we'?" Geoffrey asked.
"Oh, I'm coming with you!" exclaimed Fleur. "You can protect me from the evil Robert of you-know-where... safety in numbers and all that... and, besides, I'm bored to death holed up here. And I can be a big help. Somehow. I'll bet."
[Hound of the Baskervilles]
______________________
As the quintet rode away from the mysterious castle in search of the second Holy Moley, Jolly turned to Geoffrey and said, "You know, that Osric was hard to understand. He used a lot of old words."
"Well," responded Geoffrey, "that's because he was speaking Anglo Saxon. Remember, he's over seven hundred years old, so the language he used didn't have all the French influence our modern, thirteenth century language does. You probably noticed that he used 'gear-dagum' for the 'old days,' and referred to Arthur as a god-cyning', or 'good king.' Their old enemies were 'sceapena', and he used the word 'weoromynlum' a lot. It meant 'honor'. "
As they spoke, Fleur rode up alongside them on her white mare and addressed Geoffrey. "Where're we going and when'll we get there and why do you suppose ladies always have to ride mares and the men always get to ride the firey stallions I guess the mares are supposed to be more gentle but I will say that this one (Rowena) gets a little cranky from time to time and I 'spose they're white because white is a symbol of purity but I think a firey stallion would be more fun and by the way riding sidesaddle is a pain in the neck it really is 'cause when one faces to the side, she has to turn her head to see to the front and that's ok for a little while but it really gets old over the long haul so maybe we could make an exception in my case and find me a man's saddle somewhere, whaddaya think and did I mention that I could use a bite to eat?"
Geoffrey looked at Jolly out of the corner of his eye and said, soto voce, "I think this is going to be a loooong quest."
[Ranger, the mighty gelding]
_______________________
No sooner had Geoffrey spoken when the motley crew came upon a rickety little structure in the forest. A faded sign indicated that they had come to the "Holey Moley." Geoffrey's heart began to beat a little faster. "This is a sign," Geoffrey murmured. "The Holey Moley. Could it be that our quest is coming to an end?"
"Well, aren't you the big reader?" croaked a little troll-like creature standing nearby. "If it is the "Holey Moley" you seek, you have found it!" Triumphantly, the diminutive being held out what appeared to be a little cake with a hole in the middle (a delicacy known centuries later as the doughnut). Before Geoffrey could speak, Fleur jumped off her horse in a most unlady-like fashion and made a beeline for the petite cake. She inhaled deeply, smiled and then grabbed the cake and devoured it in three bites.
Having resolved her low blood sugar, Fleur suddenly began to speak, not rambling thoughts but instead coherent ideas punctuated with full stops. "That was the most delectable sweet I have encountered in some time!" The troll smiled, blushing furiously. Never had he seen such a beautiful being. Knowing that she had the little man's attention, Fleur batted her eyelashes and said sweetly, "We are on a quest. Have you seen a shadowy figure toting a gold statuette of a mole?"
The troll was more than happy to help. In fact, he was tired of running the "Holey Moley." Business was slow as not many travelers made it this far into the forest. "I would love to join your quest. I need a rest. I am depressed. And I know the way best. It's west. And besides, I have plenty of holey moleys left that we can take to sustain us! Oh, and by the way, my name is Ralph."
Again, Geoffrey didn't have time to speak. As he was pondering his response, Ralph had already passed around the holey moleys and the crew was munching heartily and happily. Geoffrey rolled his eyes. He was feeling less like he was on a quest and more like he was the leader of a parade, a very conspicuous parade. But Geoffrey, not one to hurt another's feelings, welcomed Ralph and provided introductions and a brief description of the quest for the priest, the pendant and the pest.
The crew, refreshed, headed west per the troll's guidance. As they continued to move through the forest, Ralph, who was riding with Thud since troll's don't own horses, leaned over toward Geoffrey. "Yo, Geoff," he said casually, "just so you know, we need to be careful of the dragon that protects the western edge of the forest. He's a real beast!"
Just as Ralph finished his thought, the six travelers heard a loud roar and felt the floor of the forest quake...
[Queen Queen Caroline, who washed her hair with turpentine...]
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Quickly the travelers drew their swords. Fleur exclaimed, "Hey! Hang on! I don't have a sword! How come I never get to..." Before she could finish, Thud handed her a sword. She took it and immediately the point struck the ground. "Crikey!" she exclaimed. "I didn't know these things were so heavy!"
The group huddled together, weapons ready. They could hear the trees crack and pop as something huge drew closer. Suddenly, it appeared. The scaly beast roared and turned its reptilian head from side to side to locate its victims. It was close enough that Geoffrey could feel the heat of its breath and smell the stench of the remains of past prey that still lingered in its serrated teeth. Its tongue flicked in and out as it swung its head toward the intrepid wanderers. Ralph, the troll, had inched away toward the trees hoping to avoid detection, but the monster sensed the movement. As quick as a cat it lunged out with one of its huge, clawed, falcon-like forefeet and crushed the hapless donut maker. Fleur was aghast. In an instant, it occurred to her that a living being had been snuffed out and the recipe for those addictive, fried circles of dough was lost forever. "Dang!" she said.
[Sir Rossis of Liver]
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Just then, the now quintet heard a loud burp and then the rustle of leaves as the dragon slithered back to its lair. “I hope your arteries rot!” shouted William.
“You tell him!” said Geoffrey weakly. He had never seen anyone killed before and hoped their quest would not take them across the path of the dragon again.
Fleur on the other hand was quite focused on the loss of the donut recipe. “Sugar, surely there was sugar. Flour? That, too. What else was in those cholesterol-clogging delights? Cinnamon? Maybe a turkey egg?” She continued to mumble to herself as the quintet wandered back toward the east, away from the dragon.
William shook his head. Where did this woman come from? Most women would have fainted at the sight of the dragon crushing a man, or troll as the case may be, but not this one. William himself longed for a drink, to be back at the tavern slugging a pint. This quest was turning out to be a little more than he bargained for.
All were lost in their thoughts when suddenly they heard shouting. It was Thud! They all rushed forward to find Thud pointing at a sign. It said “Castle of Secrets – This Way” with a big arrow underneath. While Thud couldn’t read, he was sagacious enough to know the sign meant something important.
“You tell him!” said Geoffrey weakly. He had never seen anyone killed before and hoped their quest would not take them across the path of the dragon again.
Fleur on the other hand was quite focused on the loss of the donut recipe. “Sugar, surely there was sugar. Flour? That, too. What else was in those cholesterol-clogging delights? Cinnamon? Maybe a turkey egg?” She continued to mumble to herself as the quintet wandered back toward the east, away from the dragon.
William shook his head. Where did this woman come from? Most women would have fainted at the sight of the dragon crushing a man, or troll as the case may be, but not this one. William himself longed for a drink, to be back at the tavern slugging a pint. This quest was turning out to be a little more than he bargained for.
All were lost in their thoughts when suddenly they heard shouting. It was Thud! They all rushed forward to find Thud pointing at a sign. It said “Castle of Secrets – This Way” with a big arrow underneath. While Thud couldn’t read, he was sagacious enough to know the sign meant something important.
[Princess Wannabe]
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Hoping to find someone who could direct them through the dark, seemingly endless forest and perhaps provide information that would provide some focus to their travels, the five followed the sign. As they did so, Geoffrey wondered what kind of castle they might find. He had never heard of a castle in a forest. Traditionally, castles were built on open terrain, where an enemy's approach could be observed and battles fought. Usually, they took advantage of natural features that made them easier to defend: a hill, a rocky promontory, a river. Castle builders generally built walls intended to encircle small villages, as well, as settlers were a source of goods and services and paid rents to the lord of the castle in return for protection. And, other than wood for floors and roofs, the forest didn't seem to be a likely source for castle building materials. Geoffrey was puzzled. Would the sign lead them out of the woods? What secrets did the sign refer to? Why would the castle advertise its presence?
Soon, the five friends entered a clearing and encountered a dilapidated picket fence made of sticks and limbs that had been collected from the floor of the forest. In the fence there was a gate next to which was a crudely lettered sign that announced, "Admission 2 pence," and "You must be this tall to enter." They craned their necks to see what lay beyond the gate and could just make out what appeared to be a rough caricature of a castle: a low, ramshackle structure made of wattle, with faux turrets and crenelated walls. There was a narrow, stagnant moat with a drawbridge that didn't look as if it could support the weight of a horse, much less be raised to block the entrance. The finishing touch was an insubstantial portcullis that had obviously been thrown together for effect. Uneven letters above the entrance said, "Castle of Secrets." None of the adventurers had ever seen anything like it.
"What do you think?" asked Geoffrey to no-one in particular. Jolly took off his helmet and scratched his head. There was no response until Fleur said, "Tacky, tacky, tacky."
"What do we do now?" asked William.
"Well," Geoffrey responded, "put 2d in the bucket and let's see what happens." William dropped a coin in the receptacle. It made a metallic thunk that betrayed the fact that there were no other coins inside. "Now, while we wait," Geoffrey continued, "let me say that I wasn't totally pleased at this group's performance vis a vis the dragon. What I want to see is a quintet of Myrmidons, not a band of bumblers. This is turning into an exercise in nugacity. Now, let's be assertive, proactive, forceful and smart. What do you say, gang? Whatever comes up, we're more than a match for it. Right? Let's hear it! Hoo-rah!
No sooner had he finished his pep talk when a strange figure appeared from the odd building's front portal. It was an old man with a white beard, dressed in a tall, conical hat and long robes. He wore a name tag that said, "Hello, I'm Merlin." "Aah!" he exclaimed. "I heard the sound of money! Welcome to the Castle of Secrets! Prepare to be amazed!"
[DOD (Duke of Drek)]
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The fearless five looked at each other and Thud snickered. "Nice outfit," he muttered under his breath. Little did they know what was in store for them. Merlin waved his berobed arm toward the entrance to the "castle" and intoned, "Follow me."
They all entered the portal and found themselves in a well lit room. "Please sit while I get some refreshments," said their host.
Fluer looked around the room and noticed there was an armoire. Curious, she walked over and opened the door. Inside, she found clothes. "Oooh, look at these fine frocks!" She looked down at her rather ragged outfit. Though she was quite beautiful, tall and graceful, she dressed like a maidservant in frumpy, unfitted clothes. It was a tribute to her beauty that the clothes did not detract from it. Needless to say, the ragtag group she had joined wasn't looking much better.
Just then Merlin returned to the room and passed around the plate of crackers and tankards full of ale. Fluer took a bite of the cracker. "Yummy, but they could use some sugar, maybe cinnamon?" She couldn't get the fried dough delights off her mind.
"So, what secrets does this castle hold?" Geoffrey asked, eager to get on with their quest and to get Fleur's mind off the donuts.
"Secrets that are life-changing!" Merlin crowed. "Please sit, listen and you will learn. Just give me a moment."
All hurriedly sat and watched intently as Merlin ambled from the room. Fleur took the opportunity to look again at the armoire. "I think there are jewels in there, too. I so wish I had some style sense and knew how to accessorize..."
Just then Merlin walked back into the room with two others. Smiling, he introduced his companions. "I am pleased to introduce Sir Clinton and Lady Stacey. They are going to share their secrets of what not to wear which will lead to confidence and greater self-esteem."
Before they knew what hit them, Sir Clinton and Lady Stacey were explaining the benefits of straight-leg, flat front knickers to the men and the flattering affects of empire waists and A-line skirts to Fleur. A pop of color in your accessories was the secret to any great outfit.
Powdered, puffed, styled and accessorized, the quintet trouped from the castle and back into the forest. With new confidence they resumed their quest.
[Countess of Couture]
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_____________________________________
After they had gone a short distance, Geoffrey held up his hand and called for a halt. When the group had gathered around its leader, he asked, "Will someone please tell me what happened back there? We entered that place as intrepid adventurers and left as over-dressed fops!" He glanced at Fleur and added, "well, maybe not you." He continued, "Not only that, we paid 2d to get in so we could end up paying a ton more for these hoity-toity garments we're wearing." He looked at Jolly and snickered. "It makes me angry, until I look at you, and then I have to laugh. Of course, your garb could be an advantage. Any self-respecting enemy would fall off of his horse at the sight. Knickers? Who ever heard of a knight in knickers!"
William spoke up, "I think we were taken in by some kind of couture con artists. Lady Fleur looks pretty good, I have to admit, but she's hardly dressed for our arduous task. What she needs is a pair of pants to ride in, not another floor-length gown. And besides, it's a wonder she doesn't strangle with all that stuff around her neck. Accessories, indeed!"
Jolly interjected, "Well, don't pick on me! All of you look like girly-boys."
"Who're you calling a girly-boy?" shouted Thud.
"Hang on! Han Gone!" shouted Geoffrey. "This is getting us nowhere. Everybody stop complaining. We learn from our mistakes. Cowboy up and lets decide what we're going to do about this."
"Cowboy up?" asked Fleur. "What does that mean? What's a cowboy, some kind of mythical cross between a bovine and a boy? It sounds grotesque!"
"'Cowboy up' means 'take it like a man and stop complaining.' A cowboy is a... er... never mind. Just suck it up and make the best of the situation."
No sooner had Geoffrey stopped speaking than a rough-looking group of five men stepped onto the path in front of the quintet of adventurers. They were dressed in forest green, all the better to go unnoticed in the forest. They had on hardy shirts of homespun wool, durable pants, leather vests and soft-soled shoes. On their heads they wore peaked caps with feathers in the bands. They carried weapons, the most notable of which was a long bow, slung over the shoulder. The leader of the group addressed Geoffrey. "Stand and deliver!" he said. "Surrender your purses, your weapons and your horses, or the next traveler will find your bones bleaching along the road."
"Man!" exclaimed Geoffrey. "If isn't one thing it's another. After what we just experienced, this happens!" His entire band, irritated and frustrated at having been finagled by the fast-talking fashionistas at Merlin's Castle of Secrets, charged the would-be robbers as one, screaming and swinging their swords. Startled the robbers fell back, but before they could recover and draw their bows, Geoffrey, Jolly, Fleur, William and Thud were upon them.
A short while later, the five were back on the path through the forest. Behind them, they left five holdup men dressed in knickers and otherwise incongruously fashionable clothes, tightly tied to trees. The leader of the armed robbers wore a long dress with several yards of accessorizing bling around his neck.
"I feel a lot better now," said Geoffrey, to no-one in particular. There was general agreement in the ranks.
Fleur agreed, saying, "It sure feels better to be wearing pants, no matter what kind of scandal it may cause. I wish that those low born thieves had been mounted... I might have been able to get rid of this sidesaddle!"
"Cowboy up!" said Geoffrey. "We'll take care of that later."
[Sir Drivel]
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As Geoffrey led his motley crew seemingly deeper into the never-ending forest, he let his mind wander over the events that had gotten them to this point. It was a lot to process for a young knight. Geoffrey had gone from a stablehand with amnesia to being a knight on a quest at King Richard's behest, a quest for the Holey Moley trio (the locket, the priest and the golden mole).
Geoffrey was jolted from his reverie with the sound of sobbing. He slowed his faithful steed and circled back toward the group. To his surprise he found Thud, great big tears falling from his eyes, working up to a loud wail. Afraid of attracting unwanted attention Geoffrey slapped his squire's face and said sternly, "Get it together, man. Whatever is the problem?"
Taken aback by the sound slap, Thud hiccuped and stared mutely at Geoffrey. Then he said timidly, tears threatening to spill from his eyes once more, "I miss my mom. I miss my home. What are we doing in this godforsaken forest?"
Geoffrey could see that Thud's companions shared his feelings. All looked as if they had lost the zest for the quest. The young knight reminded his fellow travelers of the purpose of the quest. Seeing a glazed look in their eyes he decided that it was time for a pep talk. He had everyone dismount and then gather together in a huddle, arms draped around one another. He then recounted all the obstacles that one or all had faced thus far: a boar; a band of singing outlaws; a enigmatic gnome; Osric, the ghostly knight; the death of Ralph, the troll; a dragon; the loss of the fried cakes; a makeover and lastly, a gang of bow-wielding thieves. Geoffrey told them that if they could get this far surely they could dig deep and persevere.
After a moment of silence the ragtag group looked at one another and then Thud placed his hand in the middle of the huddle. Jolly put his on top and Willy and Fleur followed suit. Geoffrey smiled and placed his hand on as well. In unison they said, "Any time, any place, we, the questers, are on the case!" After some laughter and some hearty backslaps, everyone remounted their horses ready to finish the quest.
The five traveled no more than a hundred yards when the trees thinned and light began to shine. A beautiful meadow filled with wildflowers spread in front of them, not a tree in sight. "At last, no more damn forest," said Thud under his breath.
[Duchess of Disco]
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The sky was blue with high white clouds. They could see birds soaring through the cool air. The flowers spread a blanket of color before them. The contrast with the foreboding gloom of the dark forest was startling. It was as if they had entered a magical kingdom. The travelers could almost imagine that they heard music. Soon, as they followed the faint path through the meadow, Fleur commented, "I thought that I imagined that I heard music but you know what? I do hear music."
"Me, too," the others pitched in.
As they pressed on, they became aware of someone approaching. Soon they could see that it was a man, dressed in bright garments made of rags and patches. As he strolled along, he strummed an instrument and sang in a beautiful tenor voice, "A wandering minstrel, I, ..." He stopped singing and halted in his tracks when he saw the five adventurers. When they drew close, he gave a deep bow, sweeping his hat from his head with an elegant gesture.
"You sing beautifully," said Fleur. "Who are you?"
"I yam Don Diego de Zamboni, a small town in Espana. I yam a trovador. I seeng songs for de peeples in return for a few coins. I do requests. Jou gotta cancion jou wanna hear?"
"We are on a quest," Geoffrey interjected. "Perhaps you can give us some information to help us find the object of our search."
Don Diego looked indignant. "Do I look like informacion central? What makes jou theenk I will geeve you informacion? I yam a seenger."
Geoffrey may have spent the last few years in a stable, but he could see where this was going. "Far be it from us to expect you to take time out of your busy schedule to talk to strangers when you could be singing for someone who shows his appreciation with money," he said while thinking to himself that there probably not a paying customer within miles of where they were. "Of course, we would not expect you to give us information without recompense."
Don Diego smiled, mollified. "What ees eet dat jou want to know?"
Geoffrey explained the purpose of their quest to the Spanish troubadour and asked, "Do you know where we might find someone who could lead us to the priest who conducted the marriage ceremony between Richard and Catherine? We seek him not only for King Richard but also for his own sake as, should the king's brother John should learn of his existence, his life could be in grave danger."
"And jou would protect him?" asked the minstrel.
"Yes!"
"Then jou have come to de right place. Jou have foun' the priest jou seek. Yo soy him. Es me! I yam de man." Don Diego noticed the look of skepticism on the faces of his audience. "Ees true. I used to be a priest, but I quit for the lure of de open road. Now I am a seenger of songs and a free spirited wanderer."
"And where is the document recording the birth of the child?" Geoffrey demanded, doubtfully.
"I'll show jou!" Don Diego exclaimed. "Eet is in a small iglesia, er, church, not too far from here. Eet is in the records. De veras!"
"Then let's go," said Geoffrey. Jolly pulled the singer up behind him on his great horse and they set out once more, hoping that they would be successful and soon able to return to Osric's castle to complete their quest.
[El Cuentero]
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"I'm beginning to feel the agony of hunger pain..." mused Geoffery. Directing his distress towards their new guide, he haughtily requests "Good sir, perchance is there a place on the way to the church where we may dine? I'm afraid that my disposition is becoming a bit foul due to a certain lack of food."
"Why, of course, senor!" Don Diego replied with good cheer. "We can stop at the royeel 'all of King Burger! Hee is the best cook een these parts. Not only es his food prepared quickly, you can place your orders by numbur." The minstrel breaks out into a tune that sings the praises of the Burger King, illustrating in great detail the quality of the ingredients he employs.
Geoffery and company are only slightly perplexed at this point. "Should I even bother asking why this local monarch is in the habit of creating cuisine and serving it to the unwashed masses?" ponders the stable boy turned potential throne-seeker.
"Another burger?" grumbles William. "I hope this one's better than the one I got in Scotland. That clown of a chef churned out a meal that would make a goat grimace!"
"That sucks somethin' awful." remarks Thud. "But if you think thats horrible, then stay away from the red-headed lass in the burrough of Indigeston. Every time I go there I come away with the winds...such terrible winds!"
Jolly, an ardent vegetarian, begins to speak of the wonders of bean burgers, but abstains. The last time he was in such a conversation he was mocked and subsequently banished from the group.
"I've never suffered so greatly as thee. But let me tell you," Lady Fluer proclaims. "I once knew a jester who made burgers when he was not entertaining. The wonderous scent of greasy food often would rise up from his make-shift kitchen to his king's open bedroom window. Thinking the aroma mere peasant food the royal regularly denied his stomach's insistent demands. Eventually, however, he was unable to control his primal desire and the king ordered a servant to retreive a burger for him."
"The jester, whose name was Jack, was so humbled that the king should want to feast upon anything that lay upon his grill. So to show his gratitude, he brought his burger to the king personally. Jack stood before his lord while his specialty was consumed. It seemed all was well as the king finished his meal in a quick manner, leaning back in his throne bearing a broad smile across his face and a hand atop his full belly. But while the king dabbed his beard with his napkin, his smile slowly gave way to an expression of utter distress. A great, menacing sound slowly erupted from his bowels that could be heard throughout the castle. What followed shortly afterwards could only be explained as...the utmost embarassment."
"Jack was escorted immediately to the dungeon where he was sentenced to be locked in a small box as punishment. A hole on top of his cell allowed him to stretch his body which was his only exercise. But every time he took advantage of this ability to move, he was forced to stick his head out thereby risking abuse at the hands of his keepers in a form of torture known as...Whack-a-Mole."
[Baron Brain]
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After their brief tangent, Don Diego said “To eet or not to eet ees the question.”
“Eet!” was the unanimous reply from the troupe. So they all headed off to Burger King for a little sustenance before continuing their journey.
Arriving at the fast food tavern, each one picked a number, fascinated with the concept. Being gentlemen, they let Fleur go first. She placed her order and as she was carrying it on a tray to a table she tripped, but managed to hold onto her tray. When she sat, she realized that some of her drink spilled onto her now favorite, and only, pair of pants. As the men returned to the table they heard her say “Out, damned spot!”
After a delightful meal, after which no one suffered any ill effects, they headed for the door, planning to mount up and resume their quest. As they walked out they noticed their horses were gone and so was the priest! Geoffrey, in frustration, shouted, “A horse, a horse, my future kingdom for a horse!”
“Eet!” was the unanimous reply from the troupe. So they all headed off to Burger King for a little sustenance before continuing their journey.
Arriving at the fast food tavern, each one picked a number, fascinated with the concept. Being gentlemen, they let Fleur go first. She placed her order and as she was carrying it on a tray to a table she tripped, but managed to hold onto her tray. When she sat, she realized that some of her drink spilled onto her now favorite, and only, pair of pants. As the men returned to the table they heard her say “Out, damned spot!”
After a delightful meal, after which no one suffered any ill effects, they headed for the door, planning to mount up and resume their quest. As they walked out they noticed their horses were gone and so was the priest! Geoffrey, in frustration, shouted, “A horse, a horse, my future kingdom for a horse!”
[Lady Macbeth]
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He turned to his followers and said, "A little neglect may breed great mischief... for want of a burger the horses were lost; and for the want of the horses the riders were lost; and for the want of the riders the quest was lost! Oh, woe is us, to have come so far only to be laid low by the thievery of that Iberian Iago, that Spanish swindler, that Latin lowlife! Diego the Deceiver! The Troubadour of Trickery! The Minstrel of Malice! The Sinful Singer of ..."
"OK," interrupted Fleur. "We get it. What do we do now? Do we have enough bucks between us to buy new mounts, or do we go back to the forest and emulate that robbing hoodlum that William used to work for and steal some steeds?"
"Hey! I like that!" Jolly said. "We're bad! We're bad! We're baaaaad!"
Geoffrey rolled his eyes heavenward as if to say, "spare me!" then looked at Jolly and remarked pointedly, "'The saying is true, 'The empty vessel makes the greatest sound.' Please do not prove it. Just zip it. Zi PIT!" Addressing the small band, he went on, "'There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things.' Cowboy up. We'll get through this."
No sooner had he finished speaking than he heard a voice behind him. "Jou made a mistake. My Ingles een't so good, but even I know that jou should say 'There are' and not 'there is.' Occasions is plural!"
"I know that," rejoined Geoffrey. "I was quoting someone else who said it that way. So just butt out. Now..." He did a double-take. "Wait! Diego? Diego! Where've you been and what have you done with our means of transportation, you thieving Castilian con man? I oughtta..."
"I was in de men's room," Diego replied. Jou would be surprise at how hard it is to find a men's room in our thirteenth century environment. Ees no mean trick, I tell jou! As for de caballos, I don' know nothing 'bout no steenking caballos!"
"Hey! Here's my vote," Fleur said, louder than she needed to, exasperation nibbling at the edges of her words, "Let's hike over to the church, which isn't far, get the document we need, then get our nalgas" (she looked at Diego and said sarcastically in a lower voice, 'comprendes nalgas, amigo?') "into the forest. Instead of robbing the rich I think we should rob the dirty thieves who rob the rich in the first place. Get that robbing hoodlum in the old cross hairs. And William is just the person to find him! Then we can get back to Osric's castle."
A cheer went up from the small group. "OK, let's go!" they said in unison.
[The Prince of Persiflage]
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Despite the fact that they now had to travel on foot, the group, armed with a plan, took their nalgas and followed the seenger/priest over hill and dale to the little iglesia. If Diego was indeed telling the truth and it did indeed hold the documentation Geoffrey sought, the group could check the priest off their quest list and continue their search for the remaining items, the pendant and the pest. "Soon," Geoffrey thought to himself, "we can give this godforsaken quest a rest!"
After what seemed to be hours later the tired travelers stopped in front of an unassuming little structure. The only indication that the place might have any connection to God was a small cross carved into the wooden door. Don Diego waved his arms excitedly and exclaimed, "Ees mi iglesia. We here!"
Don Diego opened the door and the group tumbled in after him. All seemed to be wondering whether this quest was really going to result in something other than thieves, dragons, gnomes, castles and whatnot. Diego walked over toward the small, simple altar, knelt before the crucifix that hung above it, mouthed a silent prayer and crossed himself. He then turned toward the altar. He ran his hands over the back side of it tapping lightly. When he found the spot he was looking for Diego tapped three times. A tiny door swung open. Diego slipped his hand into the opening. Geoffrey, Thud, William, Jolly and Fleur took a collective breath. Suddenly, Diego smiled. "Heere is vat you vant!" he said triumphantly.
Geoffrey walked over to Diego and took the paper from his hand. Since Geoffrey had been educated in reading, he looked over the document and nodded to the group. "It shows that Catherine was indeed a princess and that Richard and Catherine were indeed married!" "Hallelujah!" the group shouted simultaneously.
Everyone was so busy hugging and high fiving the priest and each other that they did not immediately notice the woman standing in the doorway. Her shadow caught Geoffrey's eye and he turned to see what attracted his attention. When he saw her, he went still. There was something very familiar about her. He knew her! "Mom?" Geoffrey whispered. Tears began to stream down his face and hers. As he continued to look at her he noticed the heart shaped locket hanging on a chain around her neck. The woman nodded, walked to Geoffrey and folded him into her embrace. It was then that Geoffrey realized that this woman was Catherine, the beloved wife of Richard and his mother. That meant that he, Geoffrey, was the son and rightful heir to the throne England! "Unbelievable!" he thought.
Once reunited, Catherine told her story. She explained that she had been afraid that John would discover that Geoffrey was really Richard's son, afraid for Geoffrey and herself. With the help of those delivering her child, Catherine faked her own death and sought the help of the priest who had married her and Richard. Though she desperately missed her son, she knew he would be safer without her. Since her "death" Catherine lived here serving God and taking care of the poor people who attended the iglesia.
As much as Geoffrey didn't want to leave Catherine, he knew he had to finish the quest. He had the proof from the priest and the pendant from Catherine. Now to find the pest and head back to King Richard! Geoffrey promised to return once the quest was at rest.
As he tried to round up the troupe he was met with a lot of grumbling. "This is a touching situation and all," said William, "but we are hungry!" At that Catherine smiled widely and disappeared. She soon returned with a tray covered with a cloth. She pulled off the cloth to reveal little fried cakes. "I call them donuts," she said. Fleur collapsed at Catherine's feet in utter joy. "I never thought I would see those delectable little treats again!" she shouted. When asked about the recipe, Catherine explained that she had gotten it from a little magical forest gnome named Harvey. To Fleur's delight Catherine sent them on their way loaded with donuts and the recipe.
Refreshed, the five travelers bade Don Diego and Catherine farewell and paraded back in the direction of the forest, stolen horses and Osric's castle.
[Caroline]
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As they trudged along, Fleur turned to Geoffrey and commented, "I feel really good about finding the wedding record and the locket, but I have to say that I'm relieved to have left that Diego person behind. OK, he did lead us to Holy Moley number one, but there was something not quite right about him."
"Really? Like what," Geoffrey responded.
"Like did you notice his accent? When he extracted the marriage record he said, "Heere is vat you vant." He went from sounding like a Puerto Rican baseball player (or would have if I knew what Puerto Rico and a baseball player are) to sounding like Vlad the Impaler (if only Vlad had been born by now.) There was also a little je ne sais quois about him that didn't ring true. And that business about the horses bothers me. There is something really fishy about that. Who ever heard of a men's room?"
Soon the little band of adventurers reached the dark and forbidding forest. Something made Geoffrey uneasy. He turned to his squire, Thud, and asked for his sword. Thud drew the sword out of one of the large saddlebags that he had removed from his horse at Le Roi de Burgairs and now carried over his shoulder, and offered it to his master. Before Geoffrey could grasp it, however, it fell to the ground. "Hang on!" Geoffrey exclaimed. "What's up with you, my ambisinister amigo? My fumble-fisted friend? My slipshod sidekick? My ham-handed..."
Fleur interrupted, batting her eyelashes and lowering her voice, "You're babbling again, Big G."
Geoffrey looked at Fleur. There was something in her tone that he hadn't heard before. Something about the way she looked at him. He felt himself blush. He had been aware of how beautiful she was but somehow the difficult quest had demanded so much of his attention that he had given it little thought. Now, however, he realized what a striking figure she had, apparent even in men's clothing. No wonder that Diego character had hung around her so closely (he felt a twinge of anger at the recollection.) He gulped. "What a babe!" he thought to himself. Did he dare dream that at some point his interest might be reciprocated?
He shook himself. "Sorry, Thud," he muttered as he leaned down to pick up the sword. Now armed, he motioned the group into the woods. What intuition made him ill at ease? They had traversed the forest before. Somehow, something was different this time. Something wasn't quite right. For some reason he sensed menace, danger. Soon, gloom enveloped them.
[WBS]
_______________________
Geoffrey couldn't believe it. The quest he started with such zest he now wanted to put to rest. He didn't want to deal with gloom and danger. He simply wanted to go home and explore the possibility of a relationship, or at the very least mad, passionate sex, with Fleur, the babe with the bodacious bod.
However, Geoffrey didn't like to leave things unfinished. So he led his motley crew once again into the woods. He knew that his little group shared his frustration given all of the grumbling and growling he heard behind him. They hadn't gone far when Thud, ever the trusty servant, said observantly, "These woods sure are gloomy. The air seems a little thicker than before." William and Jolly nodded their agreement as they both began to cough.
Fleur looked around and realized that the gloom was a result of a fire that was blazing just ahead of them. At first she thought that the dragon had resurfaced and toasted a lost traveler. Upon closer examination she noticed a couple of odd elfin-like shoes. She then understood what had happened. Fleur turned to the group and said, "It looks a like several of the wood gnomes were together when they self-immolated. That's what caused all the gloominess. Once we get a little farther this smoke should dissipate."
At this point no one knew how or why Fleur would know anything about gnomes, their rituals, including self-immolation, or the characteristics of smoke for that matter, but no one cared. All shared Geoffrey's waning enthusiasm for the quest. And why not, all that was left was some stupid mole statue that may or may not have the power to make a man king. So they trudged forward through the smoke looking for the final object that would put an end to their journey.
Suddenly the smoke dissipated as Fleur predicted and the questers found themselves once again in the clearing where Osric's castle stood. Geoffrey shook his head and looked again. "Could we really be near the end of this quest?" he wondered aloud. Shouts of potentially premature enthusiasm arose from those behind him and he felt those feelings of joy overcome him as well. Geoffrey took a deep breath, smiled and said in a confident voice, "To the Holey Moley!"
Without so much as a plan the small group stormed the castle, swords at the ready (though useless against a ghost it seemed like the thing to do). The five of them tumbled through the front door landing on one another. Once they had managed to separate themselves from one another, William said, "I think we need to spread out, each go a different direction in search of the mole. Whoever finds it yell but don't touch it. We wait for Geoffrey! And then we see what happens!" The team huddled, stacked hands and threw them up and cheered wildly. As he went off Geoffrey realized he was too tired at this point to be concerned about a ghost named Osric or fondling a golden rodent statuette. If need be he would do it and take his chances. With luck nothing would happen they could end this nonsense and go home.
Geoffrey wandered into the great hall, lured by the fire. He stood before the blaze and rubbed his hands together warding off the chill in the castle. Suddenly a glint of light caught his eye. He looked up and saw the golden garden pest occupying the niche in the wall next to the fireplace. Geoffrey couldn't believe his eyes! He let out a whoop and his companions came running into the hall.
Desperate to put this quest to rest Geoffrey didn't think, he simply walked straight over to the golden mole and picked it up. He placed his right hand on the head of the statue and began to rub. Soon Geoffrey began to glow as if lit up from within. Then, as previously indicated, he felt a tingling sensation, then more of a burning. "Is it possible? Am I the true heir to the throne of England?" Geoffrey thought. Suddenly he was jolted from his thoughts when Fleur shouted, "Geoffrey, you're on fire!" Apparently a flame from the fireplace licked Geoffrey's cloak as he reached for the mole. Fortunately Thud had taken the fire safety class, one of the requirements for being a squire. He ran toward Geoffrey, tackled him and rolled him across the floor, the early version of "Stop, Drop and Roll." When the fire was out, Thud helped Geoffrey to his feet.
"I guess this means I must be the rightful heir to the throne of England," Geoffrey said with a smile. He picked up the statue and packed in his bag along with the document proving the union between Richard and Catherine and the locket. Then he said the words everyone longed to hear, "Let's go home!" Shouts and whoops of joy could be heard throughout the castle and beyond.
Epilogue:
The questers returned to King Richard and presented him with the three Holey Moleys. King Richard congratulated the group and knighted Thud, William and Jolly. As he was a progressive king and supported equality for women, he knighted Fleur as well. He gave Geoffrey, his now legitimate son, the official title of Prince of England, heir to the throne.
Geoffrey told Richard that he had no interest in being the king. Instead, Geoffrey asked Fleur to marry him. With the money they received as a wedding gift from King Richard the two started their own donut company with the recipe given to them by Catherine. This company was the precursor to the modern day Dunkin' Donuts.
Will, Thud and Jolly formed their own tour company. They took travelers on tours which included the gloomy woods, Osric's castle, the Castle of Secrets and Don Diego's iglesia and the highlight, Best in the West Donuts run by Geoffrey and Fleur.
The quest is now at rest.
[Caroline]
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